Skip To Content


Personal quips and nonsensical snippets

There's lots of notes to read through. You can shuffle the order below to mix things up.

January 17, 2020

Every now and then I remember that at any moment, some uncontrollable or unpredictable event could upend my life and set me on an irreversible new path.

It could be something good. It could be a new job, a new partner, a new family, sudden superpowers, or getting whisked away to a secret society that maintains orders in society’s shadow.

Or it could be something bad. I could be thrown in poverty, important family and friends could die, I could lose limbs or senses in an accident, or be psychologically scarred for life by something like my apartment burning down.

All these bad possibilities make me want to chase lots of short-term pleasure. But if none of them do, I’d be destroying all the good long-term possibilities instead. I have surprisingly little knowledge or control over my future, and I need to make decisions for it all the time.

We are all in uncontrollable ships flying in the chaos of the universe with no idea where we’re headed, why we are, or when the ship will explode.

But at least we have peanut butter. That always helps.

January 17, 2020

One of the most important yet bitter lessons of adulthood I’ve found is this:

Maturing is realizing how many things don’t require your comment.

This quote tears me between “write more” and “don’t write unneeded things.” It brings up lots of stress, so I make the pill easier to swallow with some quote art.

Some art around the quote "maturing is realizing how many things don't require your comment."

When in doubt, add some good anime.

January 13, 2020

A common talking point in politics is along the lines of “give Americans their freedom and they’ll solve it all. Their productivity and motivation are just waiting to be let loose.”

To that I respond, seriously? From what I see, most are happy to put their extra time towards noise and distraction. There’s a time and place for those, I admit. But they’re taking up a lot more than I’d expect is needed. If people had more time, many would just put it towards those distractions.

It’s good to compare the books “1984” and “Brave New World” here. The former argued freedom must be taken by force. The latter argued people given so many pleasurable distractions willingly give up their freedom.

Which one is closer to most societies today?

January 11, 2020

With recent Iran events in the news lately, I think it’s good to remind ourselves how to spot war propaganda. This article has lots of good points on what to look for in the news, why it’s propaganda, and how to respond. I recommend the full article, but some of the takeaways are:

  • Don’t just take government official at their word. Any claim needs evidence that that’s 100% correct, not “mostly correct” or “just trust me.”
  • Don’t let bullying mischaracterizations silence you. People can twist any criticism of America’s actions into “oh you must love the terrorists” to shut you up.
  • Don’t let others change the focus. Others will focus on how “strategic” or “hypocritical” a decision is instead of how “wrong” it is.
  • Imagine the same news from the other side about us. This helps remove the distorting nationalism from our views.
  • Watch the language being used. People will say “neutralization” instead of “assassination” since it sounds better, even if it conceals facts and is less accurate.
  • Remember what they used to say. People starting a war now may have said their first strike a week ago was about “stopping a war.”
  • Listen to the dissidents. Watch for the same tricks from them, but still, find other sources. They help you fight the misinformation and break out of the bubble others want you in.

January 05, 2020

Unpopular opinion: I’ve missed waiting for Amazon packages.

Just after Christmas, I used some gift cards to buy some manga volumes. They only arrived a few days ago, so I waited for around a week. Knowing I was going to get something nice in a few days always brightened my mood. It was having something pleasant to look forward to.

In a way, canceling Amazon Prime didn’t just save me money. It saved me from impatience. But mostly money.

December 28, 2019

There was once a person who spent three hours on a Saturday walking. They walked down a street, along a trail, atop a small mountain with some deer, across a park, rested on top of New Haven’s East Rock Summit, and then went home.

This person was exhausted and talked to no one but themselves. They expected it to be lonely but instead felt invigorated. They’d enjoyed being so close to nature, pondering answers to some personal and existential worries, and the satisfaction of collapsing home in an exhausted heap.

As the person was in this collapsed heap, they saw a laser print they’d made a few days ago.

Proper solitude had brought them peace of mind amid anxieties that’d hounded them for months. Plus extra tone to their legs they know looks amazing. But mostly their peace of mind.

Next time you have some alone time, I recommended going somewhere where you can only walk and think for an hour or two. You’d be surprised how helpful it can be.

December 22, 2019

Last night, Edgerton Park in New Haven had their 2nd Annual Winter Solstice Luminary Walk. They lined the park’s path with candles, so there was enough light to follow the path. You could only see other peoples’ silhouettes, not their faces or clothes.

Several figures in a dark park with only their silhouettes visible.

This setup rarely happens to me but always find it intriguing. I can’t see the details often used for value judgments, like clothes or attractiveness. They’re simply people like myself. Knowing only, I assume they’re just as complex and worthy of basic respect as I am. That took away much of the usual social anxiety I experience around others. I don’t fear how I may judge them or they may judge me.

Part of me wishes life could always be like this, with a veil of ignorance over how we see people. So many dark paths of history likely would have changed or never happened at all.

But another part of me is also upset, knowing we’d need something like that to treat others better.

December 19, 2019

Some consider vacation time for exotic travels and adventures.

For me, vacation is about relaxation and enjoyable work. It’s remarkably easy to do this without the hassle of airports, reservations, packing luggage, travel schedules, food poisoning, sunburn, and those other things that make exotic travel “relaxing.”

Some may think I’m wasting my time or youth by traveling less. To that I say, good thing I’m the one living my life and you’re the one living yours. Not the other way around.

December 17, 2019

I have no issue with the “we’re all brains in jars” theories if they’re real. I can handle if reality itself is an illusion because of virtual simulations or a seriously bored demon.

My issue is with the reality I’m being fed. If you’re going to feed me a fake life, either give me an unbridled paradise or a terrifying hellscape. This middling “distraction and anxiety-filled disintegrating society” version isn’t cutting it anymore.

December 14, 2019

Older generations often get mad at younger generations like Millennials for having different values. These range from the serious to the trivial, such as:

I don’t know if any of these value shifts are good or not. I do know older generations shouldn’t assume they’re bad or shouldn’t happen.

The reason is simple - values changing between generations is how society grows. This repeating pattern of change-anger-acceptance isn’t new and isn’t going away.

December 12, 2019

The mere existence of things like television, video games, heroin, porn, alcohol, football, pizza with pineapple, and marijuana have taught us all one thing: something that makes you feel better doesn’t always make you a better person. If anything, these are more likely to make you a worse person in the long run.

Especially pineapple on pizza. I will do humankind a long-term favor and bury these people alive. You’re welcome, planet Earth.

December 10, 2019

Recently in a local Slack group, I shared a tweet from someone dissing Ruby on Rails. While this is unforgivable, that’s not what this note is about. Part of the context was a woman being hired in an all-women company.

To be fair, I mistakingly said the company only hiring women was intentional when that wasn’t the case at all. But even if I hadn’t, the question was already being raised about whether this was legal, discriminatory, sexist, or any number of other things.

I’m not going to get into if it was any of those (although it wasn’t). But like in that conversation, I’d like to acknowledge if the company was only men, those arguments would never have come up. There are lots of tech companies made up entirely, or almost entirely, of men where this is virtually never brought up or taken seriously.

Why? The underlying assumption that tech being full of men is normal, while tech being full of women must be either some deliberate move like affirmative action or “scoring diversity points.” In other words, the assumption that men in tech are natural while women in tech aren’t. This is, unsurprisingly, a view held mostly by white men.

If I may quote Sara Eckel from her book, “It’s Not You,” she sums it up pretty well:

Freedom is arguably our country’s most sacrosanct value—unless we’re talking about women’s liberation. Then suddenly we become cold rationalists, debating the pros and cons like a Soviet-era dictator.

December 04, 2019

Go to my Instagram today and you’ll start with photos of my fancy anime woodcut blocks. You likely already guessed this, but I only spend a fraction of my time making those. Those six photos were taken over several weeks.

Most of the remaining time I had was spent reading, coding for my job, watching videos, trying to catch up on news or code articles, playing video games, or walking to get away from everything else on the list. Pretty standard things that we always do ourselves but are boring when we see others doing them. In other words, everyday life.

Most of my life isn’t spent on something cool or edgy. But they’re the only ones I think are worth sharing with everyone. But most of my life will still be boring from an outside perspective, and normal yet enjoyable from my own.

December 03, 2019

Need some inspiration porn? I recently updated my phone wallpapers with some anime wallpaper creations.

  • Anime artwork with the quote 'hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody expects of you. Never excuse yourself. Never pity yourself.'
  • Anime artwork with the quote 'you can only make the choice if you remember it's there.'

As an added bonus, people who see them will think I’m a naturally motivated, discipline person. As opposed to the truth: I’m a typical lazy, distractable human using mental tricks to avoid those impulses.

November 24, 2019

There are many ways for programmers to learn and improve, such as:

  1. Making side projects
  2. Reading news articles and blog posts
  3. Reading other people’s code
  4. Playing with other people’s code
  5. Writing tutorials or demos about code we’ve written
  6. Using intelligence-sucking devices to steal IQ points
  7. Taking notes to better remember the important info we find

I’ve been a big fan of methods around research and notes. It’s worked for a long time. Lately, it hasn’t been working as well. My motivation and inspiration are drying up, and my anxiety and impatience are building up in their place.

My guess is I’d been catching up to the code I’d been writing but not researching. Now I’m just about caught up and unsure what to do next. If that’s the case, the answer is blending some code projects and experimentation into my writing. A possible flow for this could be:

  1. Take a small code project or demo, either related to my job or something else entirely. Make sure it’s outside my comfort zone in some way.
  2. Try my hand at coding it and solving the puzzles the project carries, while documenting how it goes.
  3. Once it’s done, take my notes and write them up into one or more posts.
  4. Share the posts with the final project as a live demo or reference.

As always, I can’t predict if that’ll work for me. Also as always, I need to try.

November 19, 2019

I wanted to like a library book sale purchase of Rogue Lawyer. It had an intriguing premise, thought-out characters, and some gripping court scenes. But I can’t quite like it since handles the “multiple plotlines” structure poorly, especially at the end. There are a few elements this structure needs to work, and the book fumbles each of them.

  1. The plot threads need to merge in unexpected, dramatic ways. I’ll concede some threads do help nudge others to their conclusion. But they don’t get tied together to a more coherent, “greater than the sum of its parts” conclusion. Some wind up just being supports instead of their own compelling plotlines.
  2. There’s no satisfying conclusion. The main character reflects on what happens, shrugs, and feels depressed about the path they’ve taken. They didn’t combine into a larger lesson unless that lesson is “I give up.” Either way, it makes the entire book fizzle out like a misfired firework.
  3. It doesn’t foreshadow the plotlines’ convergence. In my opinion, the greatest strength of a multiple plotline structure is the unexpected ways the plotlines can converge. Teasing this result at the start is great since it makes the reader wonder “how could these stories possibly cause this” and set their imagination on fire as they read. Not doing this is wasting one of the best ways to keep the reader’s attention.

Want a book that does this right? Read “Big Little Lies.” You’ll thank me later.

November 10, 2019

Someone may feel they need a relationship for a satisfying or meaningful life. But isn’t that an insult to the rest of your life?

Hopefully, one’s life isn’t just window-dressing for someone else’s benefit. You’re the one living it, not them.

November 03, 2019

There’s many times that, when left alone with my own thoughts, I feel nothing but dread. Whatever the topic is, touching on it opens a gaping chasm beneath me only separeted by something thin, fragile, and invisible. It happens mostly on Sunday nights and I don’t know why.

I think it’s best to hold onto those topics. A path or idea that scares me is always worth exploring. I either find something I should have embraced sooner or will know, with certainty, to avoid. The end result is always worth it.

However, finding these potential paths is actually easy. The hardest part is gathering the guts to follow them.

Still working on that. I may just be at my most cowardly on Sunday evenings.

October 23, 2019

If we actually saw how much free time we had each day, would we spend it differently? My gut tells me seeing the concrete number of hours and minutes we can use freely will remind us how precious our time is. It’d force us to find priorities and set limits we were afraid to set but ultimately are for the best.

Let’s test it and say you had five cumulative hours a day of free time. How’d you spend it?

October 21, 2019

One of the toughest questions I’ve heard is “where do you want to be in five to ten years?”

It’s hard to answer since there’s little about our future we can seriously control. Any number of outside events influencing our career, family, home, or love life. We just choose which events or opportunities to go with when they arrive.

I’d prefer to set broader goals or preferences for how to approach the future. Goals like “I want to work in this general field” or “I want to make family the main priority.” But the more specific I set them, the more I risk setting myself up for failure. So I’ll avoid too-specific future goals for now.

Besides, I’m not sure what those specific goals would be right now. I’m lucky I’ve still got time to figure it out.

October 16, 2019

Lots of people (mostly well-off white men) complain making sites accessible is tough and they don’t want to do it.

I have many guesses for why they respond this way. Many guesses. Guesses I sometimes feel like yelling. Or guesses I want to spray paint on their garage doors. But I think the most powerful reason is they find it boring.

I’ll concede things like semantic HTML, readable text, and keyboard interactions aren’t as sexy as new JavaScript frameworks or GraphQL. But they’re still part of the job. Our job as web developers is to, you know, do the damn job.

A quote image saying "Accessibility can be tough, but being a web developer is also tough. Get used to it."

It’s frustrating since I made this same point in a past article and need to keep sharing it.

October 12, 2019

A common definition of freedom is being able to make your own decisions, instead of an authority making them for you. But is that enough to be free?

What if people knew so much about you, had enough data about you on enough topics, that they could control your decisions? They’d know just what buttons to press and what options to present for you to make the decision they wanted. If you didn’t know they were setting you up to make the decision they wanted, are you still free?

Realistically, they likely couldn’t get enough data to control you completely. But let’s assume they only gathered enough data to control you about 50% of the time. You’re still 50% less free than before, so are you really still free? What percentage of freedom still counts as “free?”

This doesn’t even consider that groups could change your data without you knowing. The potential effects it has on your life paths and possibilites are huge. The reasons could range from malicious to accidental - regardless, you’d still have no control.

But it shows the more data is gathered about us, the more our “freedom” is at risk.

October 10, 2019

Some signs you’re in a bad mood:

  • Your thoughts are framed as blaming the world. For example, “it’s the world’s fault I’m dealing with X.”
  • You make broad, inaccurate, and usually negative claims about yourself. You could disprove them by remembering parts of your past, but prefer to wallow in self-pity.
  • Reading news or social media you feel better.
  • You pass by windows / sculptures / lampposts / anything and want to break them with your hands / feet / head / iron pipes.
  • You worry making eye contact with others will anger them.
  • You see the society of mole people declaring war on the humans as an improvement.
  • You don’t feel any different writing JavaScript.

These may just apply to me. Regardless, they’re good to remember to hopefully catch your bad mood early. Eat a cookie, get to bed early, and dream of rainbows until it’s over.

October 04, 2019

Like everyone, sometimes I’m struck by loneliness.

Like the single people among everyone, the loneliness strikes harder.

Like the socially awkward introverts among the single people among everyone, it’s hard to handle the loneliness.

Like the writer/coder nerds among the socially awkward introverts among the single people among everyone, I create an anime image of the self-love quote that gets me through it.

A quote image saying "The odds of me splitting up with me are so, so slim. And I can tell you right now I'm very much in love."

May it also help others in this (admittedly specific) subset of people dealing with loneliness too.

October 01, 2019

For the last month and counting, I’ve either been sick with or recovering from something. These include:

  • Strep throat
  • Facial surgery and scarring
  • Fall allergies
  • Mild food poisoning
  • Twitter

My usual attitude to all these would have been “let’s not work on anything serious until I’m better.” But when it takes weeks to reach the “better” point, it becomes less about waiting and more about wasting time.

So while I’m still dealing with some mild things now, I don’t plan to stop. This includes current goals like coding and MakeHaven projects and new ones like learning the piano.

Unless I somehow get strep throat again. That’s more than an illness. It’s a Satanic possession of the throat no amount of cough drops or holy water can cure fast enough.

September 23, 2019

Have you ever felt pressure to turn your hobby into a career or branding asset? That any activity has to have some tangible, profitable value instead of just doing it for joy?

I think this has sent my drawing hobby in a now-predictable loop of events:

  1. Resume drawing for its freeform expression
  2. Start thinking of ways to incorporate it more into my writing or programming work
  3. Feel increasing pressure to do the above
  4. Drawing suddenly feels like a work chore instead of a hobby
  5. Give up drawing and look for another hobby to focus on

I don’t know if the capitalism culture I grew up in is to blame, or just me putting too much pressure on myself. Whatever the cause, I know this mindset isn’t healthy.

September 18, 2019

Something I’ve noticed is people with the most privilege are most likely to deny it exists. Or at least muddy the waters enough so any attempt to bring attention to it falls apart.

It’s most often the second one since it’s easier to disguise it as only “asking a question” or “trying to be fair.”

Why does this happen? My guess is it makes it easier for them to believe their privilege wasn’t a factor in their success. In a society with the core mantra “hard work will get you there,” it’s tough to accept we had some built-in cheat codes. I still struggle with this myself and it’s painful.

That changes the more I read about the world and others’ lived experiences. It’s harder for even the most defensive part of my brain to deny it. So while it hurts, I keep listening. When I get the urge to push back against facts and lived experiences, I remember to listen.

If you want to practice listening, I recommend this site.

September 15, 2019

America could use a holiday like Dia de los Muertos, or the Day of the Dead. It’s a Mexican holiday where people remember the lives of who they lost, put up their photos, give them offerings, and many other traditions that focus on giving to the dead.

Most importantly, it exposes people to ideas of death and mortality early and positively. Death is inevitable, so getting too fearful and anxious over it (after a point) just damages one’s sense of self. A holiday like Dia de los Muertos in America could help remove the excessive fear and self-preservation from America’s culture.

If our loved ones can visit us in the living world like in Coco, well, that’s just a bonus. One I absolutely want.

September 11, 2019

For a long time, I’ve believed a person’s value is directly proportional to the value they bring others. So only someone with money and useful skills is remembered, helped, and fought for.

I blame America’s capitalism culture for putting this view in me, since Millennials are all about blaming capitalism.

Then I realized being a productive robot isn’t how to build good relationships. Why? People don’t befriend robots; people befriend compassionate, friendly people.

So take that, capitalism. I finally freed myself a little more from your clutches.

August 31, 2019

A while back I wrote about Saturday nights. How it’s foolish to think everyone is partying or having a golden time during them, since every other type of event is also happening.

On a related note, there’s lots of things one can do on a weekend. But there’s a lot fewer things one wants to do on it too.

As long as I find something I want to do, not partying or doing stereotypical twenty-something activities is fine with me.

August 29, 2019

Reading How to Win Friends and Influence People has me thinking a lot. One of those things is this quote from House M.D., episode 16 of season 1.

I’m not hiply cynical and I don’t make easy snide remarks. I would rather think that people are good and be disappointed once and again.

The book often says the angry, unempathetic approach is easier and a person’s first impulse. It’s a lot harder to listen, see things from another’s perspective, and persuade with empathy.

It’s something to keep in mind when we see people attacking, dismissing, or bullying others. Those people are taking the cheap and easy approach to life. Anyone could do that. Approaching life with empathy and an open mind is a sign of true strength.

August 21, 2019

The more time you spend in your own head, the more important it is you don’t forget your filter when you actually speak.

I spend so much time in my own thoughts and imagination, I’m normalized to so many things others wouldn’t even consider sharing. The response to that sharing is never “wow, how creative!” It’s “what the hell is wrong with you?” Or worse.

It’s a hard truth to swallow, since we often fall in love with our own worlds. That itself is fine - just remember virtually no one else will.

August 14, 2019

One book I’ve been reading talked about a person’s need to feel important. How it’s so vital to one’s well-being, it’s on the same level of hunger and thirst. The more I considered it, the less absurd I realized it was.

We’ve all seen people take drastic actions when hungry or thirsty: drinking dirty lake water, stealing food from others, or even something as extreme as killing and eating another human. But it’s often a choice between extreme action or death, and death is almost always worse.

Death isn’t on the line for the need to feel important, either to the world, a specific person, or anything in between. But there are plenty of examples of people doing something drastic to satisfy it.

  • Chaining themselves to trees to save the environment
  • Donating millions of dollars to help fund charities
  • Routinely risking their lives as police officers or firefighters to save lives
  • Setting themselves on fire to protest Buddhist persecution
  • Organizing hunger strikes against unjust and cruel confinement in Guantanamo Bay

That last one strikes me the most. Peoples’ desire to eat (which keeps us alive) was beaten by their desire to be part of something important.

All this isn’t a bad thing since these activities push people to help others while giving people a sense of value and worth.

As long as we’re self-aware enough to manage this urge and feed it in healthy ways. Otherwise, we may do something extreme, like the “need to feel important” equivalent of killing and eating someone.

August 09, 2019

Sometimes I get way too caught up in managing the little details - building habits, managing money, eating healthy, among others. These are all important, but I can get so wrapped up in them I forget to let myself be happy or do something real. Making myself better is pointless if I’m not doing better things too.

When that happens, I remember this quote a friend shared with me. Reading it helps me snap out of my self-loop and try something different or take a risk.

A quote on going through life having enjoyed the ride while you had it.

August 06, 2019

It’s easy for me to get trapped in my head. For thoughts to wind around my consciousness and pull me down, and I confuse the struggle to get back out as doing something meaningful.

But sometimes the most intelligent thing I can do is something that requires little deep thought. Something like drawing is simple, meditative, and takes a lot of focus but little thinking.

I think of it as a fuel stop. Sometimes one needs to stop and simply experience something to fill up their mental tanks. Then the next time they think, it’s about adding to the world around them. That’s better than down an internal rabbit hole leading nowhere.

Another reason why rest is not laziness.

August 02, 2019

I realized that my last note of “you can’t have the ‘what’ without the ‘why’” applies to why I write as well.

Do I post here for sincere self-expression? A desire for attention? Importance? Identity?

It’s certainly not for clicks or ad revenue, so I have that going for me.

I am a selfish blogger. But writing anything for simple validation, from tweets to messages, is rooted in insecurity. At least selfish blogging indirectly helps others. If I’m lucky, it helps others more than me.

So this note is a reminder to myself: don’t mix up “selfish blogging” with “insecure blogging.”

July 28, 2019

Before I do something I want to do, I’m trying to first ask why.

Some are good, like wanting to be a better coder, getting enough sleep, and staying in (what I choose to think of as) decent shape.

Some are bad, like wanting to smoke various things, playing video games until my brain melts, and kicking random people after too much Twitter.

“Want” isn’t enough without the “why.”

July 20, 2019

A question I constantly struggle with is what gives someone’s life value, and how I can find it for myself.

Does a person’s life have value if the person simply exists selfishly, looking out for their own needs and desire? I’d say no since that life adds no value to the world, since it doesn’t increase happiness or decrease suffering for others.

But devoting one’s life to helping others doesn’t fully solve it for me. It’s nearly impossible to tell when the value one gives the world balances with what one takes to stay alive. Would one need to save one life to justify our own? Would one need to save one high-value life or several lower-value lives? Or give small bits of value and inspiration to lots of different people?

Two panels from the 'Bungou Stray Dogs' manga with one character asking if saving others will truly make them worthy to live.

If one brings new life into this world with kids, does it only count if that life also brings value to the world? If someone produces a life that only takes and never gives, does that make one even less worthy of life?

Even doing all that, does helping others simply to help oneself count? They’re using others as excuses or rationalizations to keep living. It’s just become another selfish activity.

It’s a question with no answer that keeps asking for one. I’m again left asking myself, how can we define the value of a life?

July 17, 2019

A recent article I read on burnout in hourly-wage jobs mentioned how often people overlook chronic stress and fatigue in these jobs. The American ideal of “just work hard” makes many see burnout as the price of a better life.

While true in an ideal world, today there are a few things wrong with that:

  1. These jobs rarely give employees a career ladder to “climb up.”
  2. Burnout causes long-term health issues like obesity and heart disease, which hurt workers and society long-term.
  3. So many workers are so desperate for work and/or to support their families, they’ll put up increasing abuse and can’t just “find another job.”

All that nuance is lost when others can simply chant “just work hard!” It’s today’s version of “four legs good, two legs bad” - oversimplified and now meaningless, but great for drowning out calls to do better.

July 15, 2019

As much as I try to move away from drawing, it always pulls me back.

My guess is while programming and reading stimulate my left brain, anime and drawing stimulate my right brain. I need something I can throw myself into entirely without worrying about calm puzzle-solving or writing unit tests.

Anime-style drawing of a woman with long hair.

Programming and reading work out my logical brain. Nothing seems to hit my creative brain like drawing. It’s short, intensive, and satisfying, like a round of boxing or an amazing unit test.

If a hobby keeps pulling you back no matter what else you try, it’s a safe bet it’s worth investing in.

July 14, 2019

The hardest part of living by Essentialism is saying no to something fun to focus on something important.

Especially when I need to say “yes” to cleaning my apartment, and need to say “no” to this game.

July 10, 2019

Have you ever met someone who was both:

  1. A good person
  2. Had to regularly tell others they’re not racist, sexist, or whatever else-ist?

Me neither.

June 30, 2019

Excitement for new projects is like a whirlpool sometimes. At first, I’m cruising along feeling thrilled. Then I realize you’re in too deep, obstacles are piling up, and it’ll take a lot longer to get back to a stable place than you expected. Plus my lungs may overflow with alcoholic liquid and I drown.

In other words, I get sucked in and am in such a huge rush I either give up or settle for forced, haphazard changes. A few months later I look back, want to fix it all, and the cycle continues.

Not this time, especially since the project in question is revamping this very site!

Patience and incremental changes are the real solutions. What’s most important is not thinking that this project will solve everything. Success isn’t one big step - it’s several everyday steps.

June 21, 2019

Dating sites need a section for favorite philosophers. Mostly to avoid people who like Immanuel Kant. These people have many beliefs that don’t work in romance:

  • If they don’t “intend” to offend others, they get a free pass.
  • They’re unwilling to compromise on ANYTHING.
  • They won’t lie and say you look good, even if you don’t. Which I personally know is a big red flag.

Always ask on the first date if they like Kant. If they do, just run.

June 19, 2019

  • Good people who feel big try to lift up others, wanting to share the joy.
  • Bad people who feel big try to push others down, terrified to lose their spot.
  • Good people who feel small try to climb up, helping others when they can.
  • Bad people who feel small try to drag others down, finding “joy” in spreading their misery.

We can’t always control how big or small we feel in the world. At least we can choose not to be an asshole about it.

June 12, 2019

An eFriend of mine pointed out how many people in a group chat don’t often write something productive. Instead, they often talked in circles, shared few facts or insights, and more often seemed just liked reading their own words.

So for the record, productive conversations mean accepting there are smarter people worth taking advice from. Even if (perhaps especially if) you’re a man and the smarter people are women.

June 05, 2019

There’s countless examples of someone saying something horrible and offensive, being called out on it, and the person dismissing the anger as “people unable to take a joke.”

If it’s a joke, people need to laugh. Angry is optional, laughter is mandatory. If a majority of people are angry instead of laughing, it’s not a joke. At least not a worthwhile one. You’re either a lame bullshit artist or a lame bullshit comedian. Or if you care about your “comedy” that much more than the feelings and lived experiences of other people, a bullshit human being.

No matter what, don’t think “comedy” should mean the same as “immune from consequences.” And get some new material.

June 02, 2019

When you’re trying to accomplish something, don’t play television in the background. Ever.

It can’t be completely tuned out. It divides our attention and pushes unneeded info into our minds. It’s like breathing in polluted air - you can’t directly feel the damage, but it builds up overtime and can be devastating.

Your attention and focus are your best weapons against any problem. Give those away, and you’re letting others exert more power over you. These are people who only see you as a pair of eyeballs with a wallet.

Play music if you must. But never television.

May 27, 2019

When people call out microaggressions, a common dismissal I read or hear is “if they’re so small why are you treating them like some huge deal?”

Think of microaggressions like termites. One termite won’t destroy a house. Thousands of termites eating away at the foundation, bit by bit, ultimately make it collapse.

Seeing one microaggression in isolation makes complaining about them petty. Knowing the context of how they damage people makes calling them out important. Knowing this context and still using the “it’s just one small thing” dismissal makes you an asshole.

If you’re not convinced, see this comic illustrating how the damage is done.

Better yet, read a (likely incomplete) documentation of the microaggressions one woman deals with online.

May 23, 2019

The recent Alabama abortion ban got me thinking about other policy positions that match with “holding all forms of life sacred” and all that. When someone tells me they’re pro-life, I’d expect them to also hold the following views:

  • Universal, or at least affordable, and inclusive healthcare. So no one dies of preventable illnesses due to inflated costs.
  • Affordable childcare and preschool education. Also universal education access, since it’s one of the best ways to improve one’s quality of life long-term.
  • No death penalty or capital punishment, assuming there’s no exceptions to “all life is sacred” that were conveniently left out.
  • Global poverty aid to stop more prevantable deaths worldwide. This includes accepting migrants fleeing violence so they’re not senselessly killed.
  • Sex education and birth control to reduce the number of abortions. I’d assume someone who hates abortion would support strong measures that removes the need for many of them.

The less someone “pro-life” supports policies like this, the more I see them as simply “pro-birth.” That’s the much less pleasant position of “make women have babies if they can’t keep their legs closed, and the rest is not my problem.” Which is exactly as cruel and damaging as it sounds.

May 13, 2019

Trying to be a better person is good, but trying too hard can backfire.

Take this purely hypothetical example: someone wants to be more independent and less burdensome to others. Up to a point, this makes them less intrusive and more respectful. Taken too far, this makes them dismissive and isolated. They could miss out on great relationships by thinking “I’d just be a burden to them” when that’s not the case at all.

Again, purely hypothetical.

Sometimes trying harder to be someone better is worse than trying harder to be yourself.

May 07, 2019

The best advice I’ve gotten for handling unwanted thoughts and emotions is simple. It doesn’t involve pushing them away or drowning them in affirmations. That only makes them stronger.

I let myself feel them without judgement. They’re there, then they go away, and they’ll likely pop up again. It’s pointless to pile thoughts on top of them - those thoughts do the real damage.

May 04, 2019

We can’t all be the person making and leading events that help the community. We can at least be a person who helps in little ways where they can.

Even if that “little way” is playing rock music as you all works. So everyone goes a little faster and enjoys it a touch more.

April 28, 2019

Nice and good aren’t the same thing.

Someone can smile and politely greet you while doing evil things like:

  • Refusing service to black people
  • Turning down an insurance claim so someone is bankrupted by simply not dying
  • Firing someone for being a woman
  • Wearing clown makeup
  • Making you watch The Notebook
  • Standing back and letting one group shoot another down

Don’t let reasons like “keeping the peace” and “being a nice person” on their own convince you someone is good.

Good people regarded as heroes today were often scolded as rulebreakers before. Similar history could be playing out with them now.

April 20, 2019

I love writing, but I also hate when I base too much self-value on others’ reactions. Too much focus on my own, or even others’ writing, can sadly cause this.

So taking a step away from writing, like blogging or Twitter (mostly Twitter) helps at times. Until I inevitably get too bored and start writing something else. The cycle continues!

April 15, 2019

Most people know that, as children, we may have repressed memories into our unconscious mind. This seems obvious enough today, but thinking about it now, I find it unsettling. Someone’s immature brain basically said “this kid can’t handle this memory, better hide it from them and maybe reveal it later.”

Someone brain made a decision separate from whoever owned the brain itself, with maturity the owner lacked. Honestly, how different is this from a random adult reaching into our brains and making the change for us?

The worst part is, this could be happening all the time and we’d never be consciously aware of it. We could wake up one day, all our unconscious memories flooding to the surface, and realize our entire lives were a lie.

Happy Spring, everyone!

April 11, 2019

On one of my favorite episodes of “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me,” guest Nora Roberts dropped this wisdom:

There are 88 keys on the piano, but do you run out of music?

For a creative pursuit like writing (and programming), a lot of my creativity combines what I know and what I find. For example, what about combining programming and camels? It’ll be the start of a new generation of coders who can work remote in a desert without a beer keg!

Correction: creativity is about new and good idea combinations. Take one idea, research a new one, and see how well they fit. Rinse and repeat until famous.

March 31, 2019

Judging people on how constantly productive they are is idiotic. They’re either doing low-quality work, burning themselves out, or are secretly robots, lizard people, or robot lizards. None of these are good, and all are real problems today.

Judging people by how their spend their non-productive time is another matter. Do they watch television series or read books? Do they play video games or go for a walk? Do they scour social media or pursue a hobby?

I’m not saying you should judge people, I leave negative things like that to the robot lizards. But if you must, how someone spends their relaxation time is, at least, a more accurate approach.

March 29, 2019

With all the React Week tweet drama, there were lots of people trying to explain it. One aspect I had a really hard time explaining was:

I personally don’t find it hard accepting lots of women are smarter than me. I grew up with two such women, read blog posts of such women, and have been rejected by even more of such women.

I have an unfair advantage with accepting this however, since most people are smarter than me regardless of gender.

March 23, 2019

While I mostly agree with Konmari’s principle of only keeping what “sparks joy,” my only exception is books. Books will always spark joy, even if books I’ve read a lot need a long break before they spark it again.

Plus, does anything spark more joy than getting lots of books for only $9.50 at a library book sale?

Technically some things do spark more joy than that, but they’re all illegal in this state and I don’t know any dealers.

March 13, 2019

By your very existence, you will anger people who want nothing more but to destroy you. You may never meet them, but there will always be people who loathe one (or more) things you stand for. No matter what you try to do to change them or yourself.

If that’s the case, I may as well go down the path that makes me happy and brings me meaning. Whatever it is or whoever it pisses off.

March 10, 2019

Sometimes I look at the sheer amount of programming knowledge I have on my learning list, and get what’s basically a panic attack. Shortness of breath, dizziness, anxiety, can’t move, even a little tunnel vision.

I think these are caused by a few bad assumptions about how I learn:

  1. I need to learn everything on my list.
  2. Any time not spent learning is wasted.
  3. Any info I don’t write down is forgotten.

Some more correct ideas to go by instead would be:

  1. I should focus on learning the resources I judge will help the most. One article on fundamentals is better than several articles on rare, middling specifics.
  2. There’s time spent on committed learning, but there’s also time spent exploring new information. There’s also time to rest and play, because without a work and play balance I can’t consistently learn.
  3. Reading info without notes isn’t as helpful, but it can still help. Awareness of extra knowledge lets me know where to look when I hit an obstacle. Thinking like a glossary is better, and more realistic, then thinking like an encyclopedia.

Of course, knowing all this is easy. Fully accepting and acting on it is another.

March 04, 2019

What scares me the most is someone who refuses to change their mind.

So much of today’s anger, dysfunction, gridlock, violence, and even death can often be traced back to one fundamental flaw in someone. That’s being shut off from any new ideas, perspectives, worldviews, compromises, or solutions.

Their mind is shut off like a rock that’ll eventually crash into someone.

February 26, 2019

A philosophy comic has reminded me humans probably have no free will.

The comic’s example: imagine you travel back in time one year. You secretly watch a copy of yourself relive that entire year. Since you lived it, you can predict your every thought and action.

Now imagine you’re playing The Sims, the computer game where you create computerized people and watch them live. You make their personalities and environment, and how they’ll make their decisions. You could watch them live for a year and predict virtually their every thought and action.

These two scenarios are ultimately the same thing. It’s hard to claim a simple computer program has free will, so how can we claim humans have it?

All humans are basically robots making decisions based on things we can’t control: our personalities, environments, and the laws of physics. We’re just a lot more complex than Sims and we don’t understand the whole decision-making process. Not yet, anyway.

Also sadly, there’s no reset buttons or money cheat codes. Not yet, anyway.

February 22, 2019

When bored, I’ve defaulted to this question: “What interesting thing can I make today with anime images I find online?”

This time around, I answered by laser-cutting one of these images into a woodblock as a gift. It’s possible with four easy steps!

First, find a good image with a simple background.

A drawing of a girl smiling while adjusting her glasses.

Second, remove its color and increase the contrast.

The same drawing of the girl with glasses, but without color and with more contrast.

Third, use Inkscape to convert the image into several SVG vector layers. Pick out the best ones, change them to either pure green or yellow, and place them on an image canvas. Add in other elements like a quote or a sun.

A digital canvas with a simplified version of the girl drawn with solid green and yellow color layers, next to a quote and image of a cartoon sun.

Fourth, plug it all into a laser cutter, put in a standing woodblock, hit start, and pray it comes out okay.

The simplified version of the girl, with the quote and sun, carved into a standing wooden block.

Once all the above are done, dance into the night in celebration!

February 18, 2019

Many of my online friends handle intrusive thoughts by letting them flow in and out of their mind without feeding them. Feeding them too much attention or mental energy makes them grow, and they wear away at our emotions and mental energy until…bad things happen.

Yet for the past few days strategies like this have failed me, with intrusive thoughts gnawing away at my self-esteem and sense of security.

Turns out, forcibly rejecting intrusive thoughts counts as feeding them in my case. It’s the “say you can’t think about elephants, and it’s all you can think of” cliche. My extra effort to overlook these thoughts ironically made them stronger.

I got around this by remembering not to judge myself for these thoughts. Everyone has dark or unflattering thoughts each day, but they don’t define our character. Those are the thoughts we remember, act on, and base our actions on.

So next time a dark thought pops up as I’m walking down the street, I’ll think no more or less of myself for it. It just flows into the void, like so many others.

February 15, 2019

I look back on history and wonder what it like to live in different times. Times without:

  • Internet
  • Modern medical care
  • Video games
  • Books

I could research what those times were like forever. But I can never experience them the same way. I can’t walk down a road from the past, living in an society untouched by today’s technology. It makes the past seem archaic, and the present feel futuristic.

On the flipside, people centuries in the future will think the same about today. The future could be radically different in any way, like:

  • Colonization of other planets
  • Global devastation through nuclear war
  • Enslavement via autonomous, power-mad AIs

People in the future could be looking back on the present, wishing they could find the experiences we take for granted each day. They could long to know what it’s like walking down a street of planet Earth without fear of radiation or robots looking to enslave them.

We are living the history people will someday wish they could go back and experience, even for a moment. How incredible is that?

February 10, 2019

It’s easy for me to look at large-scale horrible news (repeating government shutdown, anyone?), and get so cynical I shut myself away with video games.

Those big problems will always be there. But it’s more pragmatic to focus on the smaller, local things that are actually productive or can make a difference to someone.

Maybe not everyone, but someone. That’s better than no one.

Cynicism is another bad feeling pulling our minds like gravity. But it pulls us away from things that can alleviate that cyncism - meaningful activity, other people, and the liquor store. So pulling away is a daily fight.

January 26, 2019

With programming, there are times when I’m balancing time between two side projects. For example, these side projects could be:

  • A Pokemon personality quiz on which Eevee evolution someone is, built on Ember to practice more complex services, writing all an app’s tests on my own, and with touches of the Pokemon API.
  • Building another Pokedex from the ground up with the Pokemon API, but this time with React as my first experience with a fuller React application and (hopefully) testing it.

When I’m torn between two weird Pokemon code projects, I know I’m in the right field.

January 20, 2019

Good creativity doesn’t occur in a vacuum from the “creative mind,” whatever that means. It’s not from a simple desire to make something flashy and get attention, since there’s simple (and often annoying) ways to do that. Just look online.

Creativity is rooted in problem-solving. Solving interesting problems leads to creativty, since they demand interesting solutions. Which is more work than simply “thinking up something new.” It’s thinking up something new that gets a new job done.

I should ask myself a different question when bored. It shouldn’t be “how can I be creative?” It’s “what problem can I try to solve?” It can be big or small, as long as I find it just challenging enough.

January 12, 2019

I was recently asked “where do you want to be in ten years?”

I had no real answer. I still don’t.

But I don’t think I need to yet. It’s still early enough in my life. I can go in the right direction without knowing my specific goals.

Someone can know they need to head north, but not know exactly where for a while. But I need to get an answer ready when just “north” isn’t enough.

January 07, 2019

As a front-end developer, I think Ruby may be my favorite programming language I’ve used the least in my career.

I’ve fiddled with Ruby before, but I reached the point of using it to pull off all my once far-reaching ideas. It’s easy to take a goal like “scraping the web for my favorite anime artwork” and break it down into several classes. Each ones is easy to manage, fun to optimize, is a great cook, and will automatically email me great images like this each day.

A large anime drawing of someone eating a sandwich while reading at a cafe outside.

I don’t think this means I’ll go full-stack, or someday move entirely to the back-end. But having another tool to play with, expand my thinking, and have some cheap thrills with on the side never hurt. It’s not like my repos of CSS and JavaScript will find out, right?

But every day can’t be like today, where I stay at work thirty minutes too late, lost in the eyes of a Ruby module. There’s a thin line between love and a crazy code obsession, Ruby. Let’s not let things get so off the rails that we find ourselves lost and full of regret inside a Rails app.

At least not right away.

January 04, 2019

Which came first, the decrease in writing or the decrease in self-esteem?

I’d argue it doesn’t matter, since regardless of order, the result is a downward spiral of both.

The best way to break this cycle is writing anything, even if it hurts. As long as it build momentum and carries the self-esteem up with it.

I wrote before about good writing being a habit. I didn’t write about how if I let my guard down at all, those habits will shrivel up and die off.

December 26, 2018

Vacation time is all about relaxing. But what makes a good relaxing activity?

During my own vacation to New Orleans, my favorite ways to relax are:

  • Twiddling with new Ruby ideas
  • Starting to write Sonic Pi notes
  • Bringing my personal site back to Jekyll (ugh…)
  • Reading old and new books
  • Walking in Audobon Park until my legs scream

My favorite ways to relax here are (mostly) simple things that keep my mind at a gentle hum instead of at full throttle. I’ll indulge in an episode or two of Bones, but eventually my brain gets antsy. A life without thought, however small, feels like a wasted one.

December 13, 2018

I’ve noticed my most relevant, powerful epiphanies happen during my boxing workouts. Somehow, bruising my knuckles against a heavy bag amid remixed pop songs helps my mind discover (or rediscover) important personal truths.

My guess is all-out boxing has a similar effect on my brain to alcohol - it lowers mental inhibitions so my thoughts flow more freely. The upside is, instead of embarrasing thoughts no one should ever hear, it affects useful ones related to health, motivation, and how I should write more.

So for all you naysayers who think there’s no upside to violence, I’d argue in the right circumstances, violence can be quite healthy! And I’m sure this won’t be plucked and twisted out of context at some point in the future, so I can rest easy.

November 28, 2018

To be honest, I never thought birthdays were too important. The day I was born was a result of almost pure randomness and luck, which makes it hard to see it as meaningful. Before I saw birthdays as a measure of how much someone cares (too much) about aging. The more they care, the more of their attention is stuck on youth, aging, and having a portrait in their hallway reflect their inner ugliness while they pursue eternal youth.

That’s true in one documented case, I think.

Lately I’ve seen a different meaning that doesn’t relate to the birthday person at all. It goes back to the friends and family who celebrate it with them. The more someone takes the time to celebrate another’s birthday, the more they care for them. The birthday just gives another excuse to express that affection.

So this note goes to the people who took a little time to wish me a happy birthday, either in person or online. It’s a strong sign someone’s grateful to know me, and I’m quite grateful for that in turn. As thanks, here’s a gif of a corgi going off a water slide in slow motion.

This note also goes to myself, who after realizing all this, will actually try to wish others a happy birthday instead of realizing I forget in a panic several days later.

For everyone else, just know I’m understanding and forgiving of your reasons for not wishing me a happy birthday. I even have a “Forgiveness List” with the names of everyone I plan to “forgive” one day. Don’t know if you’re on my Forgiveness List? You will soon enough, so don’t worry and don’t bother resisting.

Anyway, here’s to 26 years alive, and hopefully at least 26 more!

November 22, 2018

A recent Existential Comic about stoic dating made me ponder a stoic way to be thankful. Having read plenty of stoic philosophy before, I figure it’d go like this:

  1. Take the top five things in life you’re grateful for.
  2. Imagine life without each of them, one at a time, and all the stress and misery that’d cause you.
  3. Stop imagining these scenarios with a blend of gratefulness for still having them, and misery for realizing how they’ll eventually leave your life.
  4. Continue after Thanksgiving with a fresh perspective on the fragility of everything we love in life.

I think if we’re going to practice thankfulness, we should take it seriously!

November 14, 2018

When I want to be creative but can’t get the words going, drawing is always a good backup activity.

A simple sketch of a random woman's face

Now I just need time to get good at it again.

November 09, 2018

“Death Stalks Kettle Street” is one of my favorite novels for many reasons. Chief among them is an idea captured in this quote:

There were lots of so-called able-bodied people who were more ‘disabled’ than she was simply because they chose to sit around, letting their health suffer, watching television or playing videogames twelve hours out of every twenty-four. How many people couldn’t write a coherent sentence, not because they had learning difficulties, but because they just couldn’t be bothered to learn, and were content to have the only book they owned be the Argos catalogue?
~ Death Stalks Kettle Street, 211

I remember this on days I’m being too lazy. Not making proper use of my time to do something meaningful is wasteful, bordering on cruel to myself.

November 03, 2018

I have an idea of the stereotypical Saturday night, likely from media I’ve seen and anecdotes I’ve heard. The night where friends get together for drinks and laughter while they can.

On a saturday night, some have nights just like this. Some get drunk at bars and eat pizza. Some go to wild warehouse parties and stay up well past midnight. Some have private fun with friends. Some chat with far-away lovers.

On a saturday night, some stay inside and enjoy their solitude. Some are content to read or play video games. Some take walks outside alone. Some have wine for the taste, not to cover up any loneliness.

On a saturday night, some are stuck working. Some catch up on overdue paperwork. Some are stuck in a busy food line. Some serve drinks to patrons they nervously watch drive home. Some have peaceful shifts where families dine together, or horrible ones where fights tear them apart.

On a saturday night, some are withering away. Some are suffering heartbreak. Some are mangled in freak accidents. Some look in a mirror silently before shattering it with their fist. Some are watching their loved ones die in a hospital. Some are dying in that same hospital.

On a saturday night, every conceivable good or bad event is happening.

On a saturday night, it’s like every other day and night. Some nights it’s both harder to, and more important to, remember that.

November 01, 2018

I got a surprising tweet in my mentions recently.

It’s surprising for two reasons:

  1. A major front-end blog, CSS Tricks, found my accessibility article worth sharing.
  2. A university professor whose class I took as a sophomore still remembers me over three years after graduation. My graphic design skills then (and likely now) weren’t getting into any galleries.

But I do remember Professor Davis from my time in Newhouse. Mostly from a Newhouse event where someone mistook her for a student.

October 29, 2018

I recently spoke to someone who, even though they’re an atheist, is unsure about their beliefs about reincarnation. After the death of a loved family member, this person took their lessons and ideas to heart. In a weird way, they felt like a reincarnation of their loved one. Other family members even commented on how their actions, ideas, and even mannerisms are similar. Was it reincarnation or just their memories?

I don’t believe in literal reincarnation myself, and told them so. But I believe their actions are a way to keep their family member alive. Remembering this person’s positive influence means, even indirectly, they’re still affecting the world like before. Their family member still exists, even if it’s limited to their memories of them.

Isn’t that, in its own way, a form of reincarnation and immortality? Carrying a loved one with you instead of waiting for them to reappear?

October 25, 2018

One of my worst habits (other than trying to make soup in an Instant Pot) is making side remarks just to get a laugh. Funny comments themselves aren’t bad - but doing it mostly to get a laugh is.

Why, you supposedly ask? It’s bad since it needlessly gives power to others. People can (and usually do) ignore my remarks or say they were annoying. Sometimes they’re just being honest, other times they’re jerks. The result is the same either way - The more validation I want, the more it stings after.

The lesson is it’s better to listen, rather than pepper discussions with needless snark. Plus if I’m putting that much importance on snarky remarks, I have bigger problems. Problems with my self-esteem and the amount of TV I’m watching.

October 09, 2018

When I’m feeling aimless, this poster always nudges be back on track.

The common themes I see for successful people I see? Flexibility and gratitude.

A poster comparing habits of successful and unsuccessful people.

October 07, 2018

I’ve always wanted to be more like, and had a mild man-crush on, Miles Edgeworth.

What can I say, cravats are sexy. ❤️

Several snapshots of the fabulous Miles Edgeworth.

You don’t need to know who he is. Just that I’ve idealized Edgeworth, and others like him, for their eccentric level of intelligence. They effortlessly see the truth and stay two steps ahead of enemies. That’s why people need them, and how they do so much good. He’s like Dr. House, except working in law, is a more charming kind of jerk, and asexual.

I’ve always wanted to be dangerously brilliant like him. But as you may know, I’m just a young front-end coder. It’s safe to say I’m not like smart and never will be. I doubt CSS will help solve murders, except for when it makes back-end coders kill someone.

Trying to be like him anyway has been like forcing a square peg in a round hole - pointless, frustrating, and breaks my fingernails. Much as I admire Edgeworth, and similar far-off personalities, trying to be him isn’t what’s best for me.

But there’s lots of things I can be. I can be curious. I can explain tough info clearly. I can get engrossed in solving complex coding puzzles. I can isolate myself indoors with books and games amid mild social anxiety and loneliness.

The takeaway from most of those strengths is it’s important to be who I am and do what I can. Max is all I’ll ever be, and no one else can be that. Might as well do some good that way instead of wasting weekends trying on cravats.

September 27, 2018

A common criticism I’ve heard of Christine Blasey Ford amid the Kavanaugh hearings, as well as other women speaking about their sexual assaults, is they’re “doing it for attention.” It’s not the most common dismissal, but is the most idiotic.

If these women just “wanted attention,” the easier choice is being the simple sex object many men want them to be.

  • They’d dress themselves up for men they don’t know.
  • They’d avoid saying anything too intelligent or opinionated to offend men with fragile egos.
  • They’d put up with men catcalling her to humiliate her and exert power, doing nothing but smiling and waving.
  • They’d prioritize a man’s pleasure over her own, even men she barely knows. Even, and especially, men who’d get physically violent without the pleasure they felt entitled too.

This is the way much of society wants women to act, and would gladly give women attention for it. Attention without the public shaming, personal attacks, and death threats. Attention met with that condescending “thank God you’re not like those other women” sneers and a pat on the head.

The fact that women like Professor Ford have known this all their lives, yet speak up against their assaulters, shows their bravery. It’s easier to fit into the silent, sex object role American society carved out for them. But it damn sure won’t lead to change.

September 19, 2018

Cartoonist and web developer Rachel Nabors once drew a comic about something she called the “Self-Doubt Fairy.” I’ve found I have a similar voice in my head I call the “Passive-Aggressive Perfectionist Fairy,” or PAP Fairy, and is just as bad for my mental health.

The PAP Fairy says many things that pull me toward self-doubt and depression. It picks apart every little thing I didn’t do perfectly. It blames me for not trying to improve enough. When I feel defensive, the PAP Fairy claims it only wants what’s best for me. It says if I’m fine with being imperfect and undeserving, that’s my problem.

For the longest time, I couldn’t argue against all that well enough. But lately I’ve realized how its arguments are total bullshit by remembering a few fundamental truths:

  • Perfection is pointless to strive for. The best I can do is be a bit better each day, a respectable goal for an imperfect human.
  • I can want to be better while knowing my limits and priorities. I can accept the tradeoff of working harder in my career than my boxing workouts.
  • What’s “best for me” isn’t relentless pressure for impossible perfection. What’s best for me is self-compassion, accepting my ups and downs as they are and as they change.

So you, PAP Fairy, are a stupid liar and not worth listening to. But you’re not universally bad - you also make me work harder and think critically. So despite being a stupid liar and all, I accept you as part of me with compassion. Maybe someday we can truly coexist.

But if we can’t, I’ll squish you with a sketchpad. It worked for Rachel and her Self-Doubt Fairy, so it’s a solid backup plan.

September 17, 2018

In all definitions of God I’ve heard, they’re all-good, all-powerful, and all-knowing. I assume a God would need at least that much going for it to be worth worshipping.

But this same God also falls apart with the classic “Problem of Evil.”

  • An all-knowing God would know how much evil would be in their world, and how to create a world without evil
  • An all-good God would want to remove as much evil as possible
  • An all-powerful God could create this world without evil
  • Despite the above, evil still exists in the form of poverty, crime, murder, inequality, and flat-out misery happening to good people

A common response I’ve heard is it’s all part of “God’s Plan.” Human’s can’t understand this great design, so we must trust it’s for the greater good.

First off, I’m worried that someone’s willing to swallow a design where they’ll never know the reason for so much suffering. Plus no one could understand if a design “beyond human understanding” was for the greater good. By definition, no one could know if this plan of God’s is good or bad.

Even worse is how someone could accept these evil designs in the name of “faith in those with power.” That’s the kind of belief those in power are happy for people to have. The same leaders who, coincidentally, preach religion as a source of morals and inspiration. Makes me wonder if this answer to the “Problem of Evil” is how humans do so many evil things.

Instead of justifying evil to protect beliefs, people may be better off trying to understand the world’s evil more, decrease it, and build their beliefs from there. Then would it really matter how much of a role “God” played?

September 13, 2018

No matter how good something seems, I always find something better shortly after. A book that looks immersing later looks boring compared to another. Coding tools or frameworks I see one day soon becomes obsolete next to others.

It’s an endless cycle of want disguised as need. Ending that cycle means truly appreciating what I already have. Never forgetting the value I saw in it from the start.

For new things, if I only feel a “need” something once I learn about it, chances are I don’t really need it. The things I actually need, I probably already have and just need to remember.

This note brought to you by an hour after work wasted browsing Nintendo Switch before realizing it was an idiotic waste of time.

September 04, 2018

Whenever life is going well, I’ll ask myself one thing: do I deserve any of this?

The most likely answer I can think of is, I probably don’t. Maybe I never will. But the bigger point is that regardless, I have what I have. I better make good use of it. In some way.

Any way.


Because if I don’t, these feelings of guilt and undeservedness won’t just get worse. They’ll be justified.

August 27, 2018

When your main thing is writing, it’s easy to get too caught up in reading and neglect the actual writing. It’s true whether one wants to write code, blogs, or stories. Reading examples helps, but my best progress comes from actually writing.

It doesn’t matter that writing’s for a detailed post, or random thoughts in my pocket notebook. Writing is a muscle to use each day. It’s is a habit I use to get through each day. It’s not something to turn on-and-off when I think enough people are looking.

August 24, 2018

I’ve based a lot of my happiness around my environment being consistent. I hate it when my car needs repairs, my posters fall off the walls, or my furniture gets too dirty. My brain wants these things to be constant, so I don’t need to worry about them.

Reality doesn’t agree. Something always breaks and must be fixed or replaced. My environment is never “as it should be.” Whenever things seem smooth, something always goes wrong.

One response is not bothering to try. There’s always something wrong I could use as an excuse to not do what matters to me - to write. The lazy, scared part of my mind is drawn to them like gravity. I think all human minds are. It’s a cheap, effective way to lower stress.

But it’s not about things “feeling right” before I do something. It’s about working around what’s wrong so I can do what I want anyway.

These “it’s not the right time” excuses aren’t right, they’re just easy. And the easy path is rarely meaningful.

August 15, 2018

I’ve liked television shows like House, and recently Bones, since they make me feel smarter. Part of my brain has said I shouldn’t waste time watching them. I rationalize that worry away by thinking about the show’s intelligence. Shows based around critical thinking, puzzle-solving, and science can’t be all bad. Right?

That rationalization has gotten weaker once I began accepting a few truths.

  • Of everything I’d supposedly “learn” from shows like this, how much did I remember instead of it just washing over me? Little.
  • Of the info I remember, how much of it is accurate, instead of being polished or simply wrong to increase the drama? Little.
  • Of all the accurate info, how much did I critically think about in context, instead of being handed it as I unthinkingly down a plot path handing me answers? Little.

Ultimately, shows that make me feel smart are still shows. As almost any show does, they make me dumber, not smarter. It’s the same for medical dramas, mysteries, and late-night comedy shows going over the daily news. They’re made to entertain, not teach. It’s why my brain’s drawn to them more than articles or documentaries.

When it comes to my mental strength, I consider those shows honey traps: tempting, but better avoided. Resisting all that free nectar while watching others gorge is never easy. But it’s ultimately better for me.

August 07, 2018

The book series “Feed” features two adoptive siblings and their team blogging about their careers covering political campaigns and vast government corruption…around the time zombies walk the earth.

Between each chapter is a blog post or some other written communication by one of the characters. They range from articles they wrote, private letters to others, or unpublished glimpses into their streams of consciousness. Sometimes the writing is brief and lacks substance out of context.

For some reason, reading any of those posts inspires me to write more than anything. I think it’s less about the content and more about the characters’ clear purpose in what they write and why.

Do I often struggle to find blog topics since I’m not sure what my main purpose in writing here is? If so, I should at least have the same underlying purpose Feed’s characters have in writing their blogs: finding clarity and meaning through writing.

If you’re not using your own blog for that, then what are you using it for?

July 26, 2018

An insight I sometimes remember comes from an unlikely place - the Hello from the Magic Tavern podcast.

Don’t judge.

It was at the end of an episode with the homonculus made of bodily fluids (again, don’t judge). Someone dealing with a chronic illness said the podcast’s humor helped her through much of the pain. Even something as silly and pointless as an improv comedy podcast left a positive imprint on others.

Maybe it’s less about finding something new to help others, and more about helping others with what you already love. If people pretending to be, among many things, a drunk wizard, a passive-aggressive shapeshifter, and a bitchy talking flower can do that, can’t we all?

Seriously, don’t judge.

July 23, 2018

We all know we’ve inherited instinctual behaviors from our ancestors. We crave fatty foods, have sex drives, have a “fight or flight” mode, etc. But maybe people can inherit more.

What if people could inherit moral ideas and instincts? Things like a powerful desire for truth, hatred of injustice, or a wish to help the poor. Like our innate reactions to things like food, some ideas could have been so influential in someone’s life they were genetically passed down. There they’d unconsciously influence our thoughts and actions. We’d never know it, but this way our ancestors could still guide us.

Next time you reflect on a personal principle or truth, it could’ve been passed down to you. A guidepost passed down to help us navigate this messy world.

I like to think all that’s true. It shows we can all offer something valuable to the next generation.

July 18, 2018

Something all the real people I respect I have in common is they pour their passion into something that helps others. Sometimes more than one thing.

It’s ideal since these passions likely bring them satisfaction (and a living) while leaving a positive imprint.

The hardest part of my career is finding a passion like that.

July 08, 2018

How many of your thoughts from yesterday can you specifically remember?

I’ve done this many times, and each time I barely remember any. This includes all that were snarky, depressing, serious, hilarious, witty, elating, sweet, sour, or secret prophecies from the future. The next day, they’re all lost in the ether. Never to be thought of virtually ever again.

I actually see this as a positive.

Whenever some thoughts intrude on my mind and get me down, I remember any power they have will fade by the next day. I feel their presence, count down from five, and imagine they’re a gust of wind flowing by. I see them fading into the ether myself, and moving on without them.

We often don’t have a choice with what thoughts crop up in our minds. We do have a choice with how they affect us. I think those choices do much more to determine who we are.